For my readers who regularly scroll Substack, you have no doubt come across essay after essay on scrolling detoxes, phone addiction woes, and personal growth journeys centered around downgrading to a dumb phone. I am sorry for adding to this used and abused tired ass discourse. However, as the holder of the only correct opinion it’s my duty to enlighten ur asses.
First of all, I love my phone, I love my apps, I love the blue light transmitting brain rot memes from my screen str8 into my cerebrum. You know what is one of my greatest joys in a life filled with great joys? Scrolling tiktok and giggling loudly, delighting in the bespoke algorithm my tech overlords have curated just for me. So step one: stop feeling guilty for scrolling? When did we decide all scrolling needed to be “doom-scrolling”? It’s you who adds in the doom. Scroll with a pure heart and delight in our modern access to inspirational, funny, educational content.
I don’t know about you, but I really like knowing wtf is going on online. I want to know what idiotic slang middle schoolers are using (what the hell is 6 7?), I like seeing new memes, trending audios, viral foods, call-outs and take-downs, oversharing, aesthetic photo dumps, niche community drama, real housewives fan edits, the list truly goes on. If you claim that you don’t care about being plugged in to the culture of the internet but also feel like you have a scrolling addiction, something’s not adding up. Come back when you’re ready to be honest about loving the internet.
Once you’ve admitted that like me, you love your phone and the internet, you can begin drawing boundaries for yourself so that you get the correct balance of guilt-free face glued to screen enrichment time, and doing literally anything else. Yearning to switch to a dumb phone is such a dramatic all or nothing approach. Instead, you must cultivate temperance and strength of spirit. I, a self actualized certified phone lover often find myself passing the threshold from enjoying my phone time, to realizing I stopped enjoying my scrolling many swipes ago and yet still I swipe, hoping that the next tiktok may be the pinnacle of the day’s content. When I clock that my screentime transmorphed from sweet and enjoyable to something that feels out of control, I say to myself, “you don’t need to know what comes after this video, nothing in the next video is going to change anything, if you swipe one more video, you are a screen-addicted little cuck bitch,” and then I suddenly turn off my phone and walk away out of a stubborn need to show myself that my phone does NOT hold power over me, I am ITS master.
Ok here is the crux of this essay. I do actually employ one itty bitty self-helpy strategy that has actually been life changing for me. I plug my phone in in my living room every night before I go to bed. When its time to wind down and get in bed my options are to sleep, read a book, or even play a video game, but never to be on my phone. If I have my phone in bed, I will stay up past 2 AM, easily. The strength of spirit and temperance I mentioned before is lost to me once on my mattress. For the first time in my life, I go to bed early and wake up early almost every day. When I open my eyes, wanting to go see what treasures await me on my phone is the perfect impetus to get my ass out of bed! If my phone were on my night stand, I would wake up, check it, be disappointed by low-quality treasures, and continue sleeping hoping that the next time I wake up, maybe something good will be on my phone.
Soooo yeah that’s my take, sorry about it. As someone who finds time to play violin, piano, and recorder, weave, knit, spin, make jewelry, go to the gym, swim, hang out with my friends, and write a weekly essay while also being extremely on my phone, you can trust me. I just want us all to be honest with ourselves and each other and shut the hell up about wanting a performative flip phone. Bro i love my phone and low key it loves me too i think. Go scroll, be happy, but also like don’t overdo it weirdo, a little self-control babes, a tiny boundary, that’s all. Bye phone lovers.
"When did we decide all scrolling needed to be “doom-scrolling”? It’s you who adds in the doom. Scroll with a pure heart and delight in our modern access to inspirational, funny, educational content." This is actually a brilliant piece. Well done.
As someone who has started leaving her phone in the living room at night to charge, life changing! Getting a real people alarm clock instead of my phone means I have so much more time and energy to play with yarn 💫 great piece!